Sochi

So the news update is there is no update. I actually had a surprise encounter with him, which didn't result in any clarity or resolution, just confusion especially in how I feel. I've noticed that it’s been harder and harder for me to make any decision; even relatively easy decisions are difficult like where to go to dinner. I think its because my feelings have become jaded, numb, and absent. After seeing him I cried, of course, but then I tried to distinguish how I was feeling and it scared me that I couldn't recognize  anything. Is this considered an emotional wall? an emotional Berlin Wall? I'm better now at masking my feelings or at least living with what’s going on but I still hate it. So in an attempt to feel I did something... Meet Sochi my 13-week-old puppy! 

She’s the most well-behaved, sweet, playful, adorable, cuddly yellow lab in the world. I knew the moment I saw her she was mine. She crawled into my lap, fell asleep, and didn't move until we left. News flash MONEY CAN BUY YOU HAPPINESS and a best friend!!!! She will never leave me. I know I didn't rescue her from a shelter or neglect but I think she might just rescue me! That’s at least my prayer. I’ll train her to be my best companion (hiking, biking, running, swimming, camping, road trips, kayaking, surfing?). 

Kendall + Sochi = BFF's fur ever

* And no her name has nothing to do with mother Russia, I just liked the way it sounds... and maybe I want her to be a champion, with a heart of gold.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world 

like a puppy licking your face"

-Ben Williams-

Trail Therapy

After losing his son to suicide and his daughter to a drug overdose, Steve Fugate has walked across the United States seven times to cope with his pain and raise awareness for depression. This guy is pretty awesome but, I can't tell if he's a homeless man or a guy who gave up everything to walk and say cool things.

Bucket List 2014

Here is my realistic Bucket List for 2014:

1. Backpack some lost/secluded coast (I've got a backpack)
2. Learn to surf...better (Roxy girl wannabe)
3. Move to California
4. Get a car (preferably white or black)
5. Play beach volleyball
6. Go on a trip (plane, road trip, cruise)
7. Make 4 new friends
8. Go SUP (Stand up Paddle-board)
9. Go to a concert
10. Forgive
11. Cliff jump someplace new and AWESOME
12. Eat a cronut (completed 1/7/14 in Santa Monica)
13. Karaoke "friends in low places" at a country bar
14. See an orca in the wild (inspiration "Free Willy")
15. Take a Polaroid (completed 2/16/14 in Provo)
16. Take up rock climbing (I actually bought climbing shoes and go religiously every thursday)

A goal is something realistic, attainable, timely, and specific. So i have already completed or started a few of these buckets! The Cronut was delicious and instead of taking a polaroid i just bought the camera, then took a polaroid. Just a few things to keep my head up with:)

*Its been years since my family has all been together to take a picture (we didn't even take any at my wedding reception, crazy night). So i thought my first polaroid should be taken on the last night my family will all be together for the next 2 years. (p.s its says Bye Quinn)

*And just incase you're wondering what a Cronut is... its when a donut and crossiant have a baby and think its a cool idea to combine their names, hence welcoming baby Cronut to the world! So cute.

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is 

going to waste a lot of time running around 

shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is 

that most putts don’t drop, most beef is 

tough, most children grow up to just be 

people, most successful marriages require a 

high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs 

are more often dull than otherwise. Life is 

like an old time rail journey…delays…

sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, 

interspersed only occasionally by beautiful 

vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The 

trick is to thank the Lord for letting you 

have the ride.”

-Gordon B Hinckley

Dont Quit On Them

So it was my one-year anniversary last weekend (Groundhogs Day).  As you can imagine it was a day I have been dreading since this whole thing started, and I just knew I was going to lose my mind, so I went to the place where everyone loses their mind... money and soul... VEGAS. It was a trip to simply get away and survive so I signed myself up for a trapeze class (wasn't on my 2014 bucket list, but it is now!). Now i get why people run away to join the circus, because its awesome!!! 

Anyways most everyone knew why I was going to Vegas, because it was my anniversary weekend, but when it came to the big day the only thing I heard was silence. I didn't get a call or text from the people closest to me. Actually the two people who contacted me are people I've just met. Why is that? My best friends, family, relatives, and new relatives (stupidly thought I would hear from my husband)... didn't say anything. They may have forgotten (but I told them all) or they didn't know what to say. I thought it was selfish of me to complain about not hearing from those closest to me. Hopefully they didn't forget but rather didn't know what to say. I am not condemning anyone at all; I understand people are just as lost when it comes to helping people in tough situations.

When everything first happened I had good girlfriends who forced me to get up and join them, even if I was a sourpuss, and they made efforts to text me and to come see me, which was exactly what I needed even if I didn't know it. Its different now, it’s been a few months since the initial shock, but its still fresh as of a few weeks ago. I work all the time, on purpose, and I try to fill up my spare time so that I don't have to sit with my thoughts. Some friends have stopped talking to me and others stop texting me because " you're always working" or "I don't know how to help you". I understand people have lives and are busy but if you want to help here is what I'm saying needs to be done. DONT. QUIT. ON. THEM. They have already quit on themselves or are in a rut and they need someone to hold their metaphorical hand for a while until something starts to sink in. 

I was trying to explain this to a friend and I used the example " its like cheap lotion on really dry skin, it just doesn't absorb so you have to keep applying". I’ll be honest all the love I've received isn't the love I want (don't take offense). Friends, family, coworkers can say pretty much anything to me or show me their love but, the only love I want is the love of the man who was suppose to be mine forever (he was my expensive absorbing lotion). With his love one application of lotion did the trick, no more dry skin. Now that his love is gone I only have the cheap stuff, and it doesn't absorb as well (again, don't take offense). I have to use a lot more lotion to heal my dry skin now. Does that make sense? If you want to help someone don't tell them what they need or what they should do unless you're willing to jump in time and time again (application after application of lotion) and do it with them. 

People suggest that I find a new hobby, travel, exercise, socialize... but its much harder when i have to do it alone. It’s hard enough living life during hard times and it’s even harder trying to motivate yourself to get up, try something new, and do it all alone. If you really want to "be there" for someone literally be there with them, when you can. Go on a walk together, watch a movie, get dinner, play a game, be present, invite them, talk to them (am i defining a friend??)... sometimes just having another warm body in the room is comforting.

I'm not absorbing all the lotion (love) I am receiving right now but eventually I will, I think?  I will be ready someday, but the lotion (love) has to still be around. Don't quit on them, even if you think its doing nothing, because eventually it will do something. Don't stop and don't quit keep applying the cheap lotion and it will eventually sink it. And its not anyone’s fault that all the lotion they are applying isn't being absorbed, its the one with the dry skin who may not be ready to absorb it quite yet. Just don't stop texting, calling, wanting to hang out, and wanting to go out.  So when you say, "what can I do to help?" just be there electronically or physically, just be there. Whats the quote by President Thomas S. Monson? 

"Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved"

Yeah he knows his shiz. This is only what I've learned from experience so take it for what its worth.

p.s I really hope this didn't come across as ungrateful or that all my friends and family suck, its the opposite. I am so grateful that people have tried and made efforts because it means everything, just don't give up on me yet.

"Your Poop Smells Too"

When i was let go from a job i had been employed at for over a year i was startled (this happened awhile ago). I had never been let go from a job before, usually i beat them to the punch and let myself go when i was bored or just ready for something different. Anyways i remember my boss trying to explain the reason behind his decision and he said something along the lines of " there are just some things we are incapable of learning, and this was one of those things". Don't quote me but it was along those lines. This job had become family to me and my boss was someone i wanted to be proud of me and to impress, so i took it very personally. I don't have any ill feelings towards my boss or the company, but it was devastating mainly because of his spontaneous decision.

A few nights later i was talking to my new roommate, who i declare most wise,  about my life (past and present). She said that she just knew we were going to have this conversation, she just had a feeling about it, probably because she knew she was going to say something awesome...and she did. She said something that i will remember for the rest of my life partly because it made me laugh , but mostly because it was SO true. My wise roommate said " who is he to tell you you are incapable of something. HIS POOP SMELLS TOO! Even the Queen of England's poop smells." (just keep in mind my roommate was the hotter version of Pocahontas and every guy drooled over her). Once she said that i just started laughing, it made perfect sense. No one can tell you what you are capable of or what you can and can't do except you. So i tried to brush it off. 

For some reason my roommates quote reminds me of another quote "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" (John 8:7). Now this just got serious! Im bringing up fecal matter and religion WTF, but i will try and explain the relevance (this could be a stretch). Christ faced a mob that was eager to execute a woman caught in adultery. He put a stop to it with a simple challenge: anyone who has no sin in their life should step forward and throw the first stone. That sentence is often cited as a reminder to avoid judging others when there are faults in your own life that need to be addressed (aka "your poop smells too" it might not be adultery but its something else, big or small). 

I live in a very saturated mormon culture who are suppose to refrain from judging others, but man do we judge the most. if someone has a tattoo we judge. if we see someone not take the sacrament we judge. if a missionary comes home early we judge. if someone is divorced we judge.  Who are we to judge and size someone up for mistakes they've made or problems they have to face when we ourselves are mistake ridden. My bishops wife once made a comment that i loved about people we see not taking the sacrament, she said, " well they could have chosen not to come to church that day or ever again, but they are here! And they are so awesome for being here". Everyones poop smells and we all have our own crap to deal with, literally and figuratively. And do you think that judging someone may be crippling to them? make them feel unworthy or incapable? When my boss let me go he wasn't "casting the first stone" but he was making a judgement call that i was incapable of developing some talent he was looking for and he could have been right. But what if he had given me something to work on and I could have changed things? You never know.

Dangit, another run-on sentence. I ramble when I'm outside my knowledge zone and this post didn't make sense. But in summation "your poop smells too". Everyone has skeletons in their closet, regret, old wounds, imperfections, and mistakes they've made or others have made for them, but who am i to judge or label them when my poop smells too. 

Truth Bomb

Truth session. Here are some things people don't really know about me, don't know if this is a good idea or not but oh well I'm trying new avenues. 

• I'm unintentionally racist. one time i said to a hispanic "adios frijole" essentially calling him a beaner. didn't realize how offensive that could be since my dad says that to us all the time. Whoops

• My first kiss story is a lie (at least it was in high school).  i told my friends my first kiss was in a corn maze but it was really two weeks prior to that.

• I hate wearing pants. It makes me feel like my legs are suffocating.

• I use to walk through the halls in middle school with my hands in my pockets, gripping my pants so if someone tried to pants me i'd be able to thwart them.

• I hate myself for the way I have treated some people during this time.

• I prefer to study in the bathroom.

• I can't stand people audibly chewing their food (sorry that I'm having a hard time focusing when all i can see is the half masticated cow rolling around in your wide open trap)and slurping/gulping their drink. I know its a peeve i should get over but i can't. It just makes me want to high center their car.

• I've never seen anchor man.

• I once spilled an entire tray of drinks on a table and somehow made it look like it was her fault, even though it was mine, because i was so embarrassed. 

• I like to wear mens deodorant, enough said.

Try it. A truth bomb. Its kind of interesting to think about the things people don't really know about you. Here is my inspiration for this post:

http://www.zimbio.com/watch/ZHibQQmbQs6/Catch+Release+Scene+Steal+Library+Books/Catch+And+Release