This blogs main purpose, so far, is to help
reinvent my life, get out thoughts, monitor any progress in life, express
feelings, attempt to love life again, and to just freaking dig myself out of
the crap hole I’m in. By no means am I a writer or a punctuator, many spelling
errors to come. I have caveman like skills when it comes to writing.
My life, at the moment, is rather dramatic and, in
my opinion, tragic. I feel as if karma is reining down on me for every bug I've
killed, bad word I've uttered, cow I've consumed, and red light I've violated.
I still can't believe that this is all happening to me, maybe reality still
hasn't sunken in yet, actually i'm pretty sure it hasn’t.
So here is the readers digest version of my current
life predicament. It’s too painful to bring up the whole story so here it is in
one breath. Meet the man of my
dreams on a damn island (how crazy awesome is that!). He was funny, kind,
sensitive, manly, rugged, T.D.H (tall, dark, and handsome), considerate,
loving, athletic, adventurous, playful, kept up with me, and about a million
other things equaling everything I could ever want… and to top it off he was
totally in love with me, go figure. We always joked that we were the male and
female versions of each other. Anyways we fell madly in love and got married.
Then everything slowly started falling apart I guess, well its more like life
happened, stress presented its ugly face at the get go. Then 6 months down the
road my husband decided, out of the blue, he didn’t want to be married anymore
and wanted a divorce and wanted it the next day. He kept saying he was “white
fanging me” (a phrase I taught him from the show New Girl) which means when you
love something and you know what’s best for it you send/push/yell/force it
away- stupid analogy why did I teach it to him? Anyways we ended up living
together for 3 months having a gay ol’ time but it was different. He didn’t say
he loved me anymore and held my hand once during that time. Then one day he
told me, again, that he had fallen out of love and a bunch of other excuses,
that don’t merit a divorce, and I moved back to my parents. More drama has
happened since then. And it’s been a few months since our split and I still
haven’t received any divorce papers. To go from one day “I love you” to the
next day “I want a divorce” literally blew the knee caps right off my legs and
left me utterly confused at how someone could just close off, stop feeling, and
treat someone they loved so much like a bag of trash. There you go the end… for
now
I like this quote from the movie Rocky (even though
I've never seen a rocky movie in my life):
“Let me tell you something you already
know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty
place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and
keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as
hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can
get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward.
That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and
get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not
pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or
anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”
So what Rocky is telling me is that no matter what I
do life is going to punch me in the crotch and I have one of two options… 1)
fall on the floor and be a coward or 2) pick myself up and continue hobbling
down the road. The funny thing is that I know what option I would choose. It’s
obvious that option two is the way to go, then why do I continually choose
number one? Why do I choose to stay where i've fallen and be in pain and
misery? Maybe strangely inside I choose to stay where i've fallen because if I
pick myself up and try to walk again it will be as if nothing happened, as if
it didn’t matter, and didn’t hurt. From what I can tell my husband (x
–husband?) isn’t exhibiting any feelings of hurt or sadness so does that mean
subconsciously that I have to pick up the slack? Am I suppose to feel all the
pain, sorrow, and depression because he won’t? And if I feel any happiness is
realities job to step in and say I’m not suppose to be happy? Our subconscious
is weird; well at least mine is seriously messed up.
The reason why I titled my blog “Quintessence” is
because I use to feel like I had the quintessence of life down pat. I knew that
if I worked hard I could play hard and that was a perfect balance in life and
my personal motto. I have to find my quintessence again and that is why I named
this post “renaissance” because renaissance means rebirth, a new beginning, and
willing or not willing, that is what I have to do… start all over and rebirth
myself through the vaginal canal of life. So. Here. I. Come. World
\\// Status Report 1-15-14:
technically still married, mildly depressed but still functioning, currently employed,
breathing, alive, and writing a blog.
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